I messed up.

I messed up really bad. Sometimes I honestly think I do stupid shit on purpose because i’m scared of getting close to anyone. I really am that would be a big step for me. I don’t know what else to say but sorry and I don’t even think that even that is enough. 

A part of me think that it was meant to happen because it wasn’t until it did that I realized that there was actually something there. I honestly have no excuse for myself I was just so wrong. I had one of those moments where I kinda knew what I was doing but it didn’t seen real and a part of me is extremely logical and saying to me stop it you’re gonna regret this but then the other part was saying YOLO!!! sounds funny but im so serious, so me being who I am kinda met in the middle and didn’t go all the way.

I fucking knew in my heart that I would regret it but it was like I had to. I needed emotions and reactions and I didn’t care that it would be negative, I was just so use to being on the surface with my love life that I needed to know that someone cared or that this was not going to be the same. 

Well turns out he did and now he’s not speaking to me and I want to fix it but I have no idea how to or even if it can be fixed so I just decide not to speak back at least for now.